The Edge of Desire
by skyblueinkpen
Summary: Sometimes James desperately wished the war was all just a nightmare and he would wake up just to see himself back in his seventh year at Hogwarts. He would have his three companions making their ingenious pranks and he would be slowly winning over Lily.


**A/N: **_This fanfiction was inspired by John Mayer's song, Edge of Desire. I really recommend you to listen to it. Once I studied the lyrics, Lily and James were the first thing I thought of. It will really set the mood. _

_Lily and James are my number one OTP in Harry Potter. Hope you like this!_

_DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter world belongs to J.K. Rowling and Edge of Desire belongs to John Mayer. Using it for fan purposes._

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><p><em>Young and full off running<em>_  
><em>_Tell me where is that taking me__  
><em>_Just a great figure eight__  
><em>_or a tiny infinite?_

They were only twenty. Barely out of their teenage years and graduated Hogwarts not less than three years ago. Amateurs at heart but forced to be brave and face the challenges an experienced Auror would normally face. They didn't have a choice. If they wanted to live, they had to fight with the Order of the Phoenix. Though, of course, they would never have thought about turning down the opportunity of fighting against evil.

But why did they have to be living in this time of fear and loss? _Why them_? How did they get swept into the chaos of war?

All Lily and James wanted was to live together peacefully and safely with their newborn, Harry. They wanted to raise him freely. They wanted his childhood to be full of adventures and memories of playing outside. Not like this where they had to hide inside their house most of the day to escape the Dark Lord. Not in this environment where they couldn't trust anyone save James' best friends and Bathilda Bagshot.

And for themselves, too. They wanted to have a normal relationship. They wanted more time to fall in love and experience the beauty of a young couple in love. It wasn't to say they didn't love each other enough. In fact, their love grew exponentially each day passed. In the time of war, they turned to each other more for comfort, support, and happiness. They were the light in the dark to each other. But it wasn't normal. To get married at nineteen? To have a kid at the age of twenty? It was nothing they regretted but they wished for more time. More time to go on dates and to laugh boundlessly. To go dancing in the snow at night in the middle of nowhere, not caring if they were going to be attacked by Death Eaters. To sit in the swings at Lily's house and talk about everything on their minds instead of fearing for their future. To listen to James and Sirius's hilarious banters or Lily's frequent musings on random things instead of thinking about Voldemort's schemes. To _just _experience the exhilaration all couples have when they're in love.

Lily often said regretfully that she wished she fell in love with him earlier than seventh year so they had more time together. James would laugh at her lament and said it was pity it took her so long to see what a perfect boyfriend he could be. Then Lily would retort with her "arrogant toe-rag" though it didn't hold any meaning anymore. They would go on and recall all the moments that led them to finally start a relationship together. If Sirius was there to listen to this regular conversation, he would always say that he wished he just dropped love potions in both of their pumpkin juices and have it be done with. It would save all the drama that he had to fix. Remus was Remus; he was happy for his best friend and lovely wife, that in spite of all the despair surrounding them, they managed to give people hope with love and new life.

_Love is really nothing__  
><em>_but a dream that keeps waking me__  
><em>_For all of my trying__  
><em>_we still end up dying__  
><em>_How can it be?_

It was the prophecy's fault, wasn't it? It was the prophecy's fault that they were stuck in the house all day, unable to go about a near-to-normal life. Really, Dumbledore's news did not help alleviate the distress of war upon them. Harry's life was wanted by the one person they all feared and were fighting. James and Lily were ordered to stay in their home and not go beyond the boundary circumscribed. It may come to the point where one of them had to die, Dumbledore even said.

Sometimes James desperately wished this was all just a nightmare and he would wake up just to see himself back in his seventh year at Hogwarts. In other words, in his naïve bliss but bliss nevertheless. He would have his three companions making their ingenious pranks and he would be slowly winning over Lily.

_Lily__. _James feared her fate the most. She could die and James had little power to change that. His life was on the line too but he didn't care. In a heartbeat, he would do anything to save them. Just like he would die for Sirius, he would, without a doubt, die for his family if he had to. If he survived, he hoped more than anything that Lily and Harry would escape from this war unscathed as well. He couldn't think of what he would be like without one of them. He spent over seven years with Lily and five years chasing her. She was part of his life, from the start of the chasing to the rejections to now. If she died, he would be half empty, incapable of being refilled. Nobody could replace the ten years of Lily. No, he couldn't let himself think such dark thoughts. She was going to live and so was Harry. She would live to an old age in content.

Sometimes James thought he brought it upon them. He was the reason that they were stuck in this situation right? Though James was known for his arrogance, when it came to matters of life and death, he knew sometimes people couldn't point fingers at anyone except oneself. He knew, _always knew_, that the Death Eaters and Voldemort would care about the fact that he was pureblood. They wanted him on their side. He was valuable and precious to them…all because of his lineage. They fought for him and tried everything to persuade for him, including threatening Lily. Sometimes he still had nightmares about it because how real it was. He remembered his fury that night. He could literally strangle every single one of them. How dare they think he would join by killing his girlfriend. The logic was absurd. Eventually, they consented to let Lily on their side if he joined. It didn't matter that Lily would be able to live if he joined. He would never want her on Voldemort's side. Soon they thrice defied him. And it was because of his pure-blood that she was caught in this mess.

When he voiced this to Lily to apologize, she looked at him with her brilliant green eyes and gave him a loving and pitying smile. It was his fault that he was a pureblood as much as it was her fault she was born from Muggle parents. These were things they couldn't control and she didn't want him to think it was his fault. She was proud to be with someone courageous enough to defy Voldemort.

James' inside cringed as he asked her the next thing that was bothering him: Did she ever wish that she married someone else so she wouldn't have to be hiding away with him? He told himself, perhaps she wished a different life after she married him and it was best he knew the truth. Lily looked surprised at first at the question but after a while, she turned red and didn't say anything. James felt his heart falter when he felt one of his worst fears confirmed. As much as he wished her to be happy, he didn't want her to wish to be with anyone else. But he had failed to make her happy.

When Lily finally spoke, she admitted with a flushed face that she never wanted to be anyone but him but she wished the situation was better. That they could live without all these worries. So she didn't regret choosing him to spend her life with? Lily finally gained her composure and looked at him with her hands on her hips. James could see the fury in her eyes that often made him attracted to her. Of course she didn't regret it! She wasn't a fool that made rash decision even though people were making impulsive choices amidst of the war. She knew why she chose him.

James felt considerably better knowing she never regretted marrying him. Sometimes, the fact that he was married to the Lily Evans did not get through his brain. The beautiful girl with long, dark red hair and blazing emerald eyes that could consume the attention of anyone staring. The beautiful girl who many guys pined after. The beautiful girl who told him in fifth year that she would rather go out with the giant squid than him. How did it happen he would ask Sirius. Sirius would shrug and jokingly say that love was irrational which ironically explained it because nobody in their right mind would date such a big-headed prat. But Sirius knew why and how it happened. It included working together as Heads and in classes and Lily finally seeing James beyond his egotistical personality, which did decrease by a lot in seventh year. When she finally said yes to James's suggestion to them dating, James was determined that she and the relationship would never be taken for granted. Lily was God's gift to James and such a gift couldn't be lost _ever_.

_D__on't say a word__  
><em>_Just come over and lie here with me_

'_cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see_

One night, James woke up to find the other half the bed to be empty. He immediately became alert and sat up, looking around frantically for the whereabouts of his wife. His attention was landed on Lily who was standing up near the window and gazing at outside. James knew what that meant. He learned during seventh year that whenever Lily was overwhelmed with anxiety or stress, she was unable to fall asleep and would go to the Common Room to look out the window pensively.

James found out this habit of hers when he accidentally fell asleep at the Common Room after a long night of quidditch practice. He was startled by footsteps and woke up to discover his fellow Head Girl staring out a window. He eventually asked her what she was doing out of curiosity and she embarrassedly explained that she could organize her thoughts and calm herself down by looking outside. By looking outside, she could channel her stress out and reminded her she didn't need to pent everything up inside. It was a psychological therapy for her. Of course, James, being James, began to have more "accidental naps at night" in the Common Room especially around days near big exams and tests.

It was easy to guess what was bothering her tonight. The war, the prophecy, death, loss. The list was endless. He was worried over those things too but Lily often felt anxiety to a deeper level. She had to resolve it right away to feel at peace. But who was able to resolve issues such as these? It wasn't like an exam which one just had to study to resolve their anxiety. It could only be resolved through death.

Lily wished her racing heart could relax so she could get a good night sleep. But too many problems were pressed on her mind to let her subconscious even think about sleep. So she looked outside the window like she always did when she was Hogwarts and the workload was too heavy for her. She imagined herself outside, standing in the center of the snow-covered ground. It was empty and unoccupied. No walls, no fences, nothing barricading her. She was the only one standing there. She was free, careless; she could go anywhere without anyone or anything stopping her. After a few minutes, her heartbeat slowed down to a normal pace. She blocked out any thoughts that would trigger her anxiety. She would go to sleep tonight without any mental disturbances. When she turned around to go back to bed, she saw her husband sitting up on the bed looking at her with worry and understanding.

After James had learned about her special therapeutic method, he would beckon her to sit with him on the couch near the fire. He would say the funniest things to take her mind off of whatever was bothering her and she was able to return to her dormitory in high spirits. But this time, he didn't make any jokes or even smile at her. This time, he lay back down on the bed and gestured her to come back. When she did, he put one of his arms around her waist and pulled her close. She responded by putting her head on his shoulder and James finally felt her entire body relaxed. He knew no words, no matter how much they would make her laugh, would alleviate the anxiety she was burrowing away right now. But he knew that he could make her feel safe. He would be there to protect his family always. Until the very end.

_S__o young and full off running__  
><em>_all the way to the edge of desire__  
><em>_Steady my breathing_

_Silently screaming__  
><em>_I have to have you now_

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><p><strong>AN:**

_Interesting fact: I read that Rowling portrayed Lily as this popular girl who many guys had romantic feelings for :) (In case anyone thought I was making Lily into a Mary Sue.)_

_Well...any thoughts/suggestions/criticisms? Tell me! **Leave a review!**_

_By the way, I'm interested in being a Beta-Reader for people! Let me know if you need one or are looking for one._


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